UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

IS THE BACK - UP I NEED
This is in memory of my mother: there is so much truth in the saying “One never knows nor understands the importance of a loved one until they are gone.”

It took me a long time to realise that I am no exception when it comes to bereavement; that is; for some people it takes a long time to come to terms with losing a loved one and that losing a loved one at what ever age happens to most of us. But how do we react so differently in grief; what is it that makes us feel so lost, or in some cases, feel so alone when this world is so full of people? If there was a stairway to heaven that one could climb to follow a deceased loved one, I would have followed my mother even if it was a one way ticket. That is how much some people are lost in grief. If I am to name one special quality my parents taught their children, it has to be unconditional love. What we do with that lesson when we leave our comfortable nest is determined by many factors.

I regard my job as privileged because it allows me to interact with people from all walks of life, people who have a wealth of knowledge and have taught me so much that I cannot put into words. But the most privilege I hold in awe is the legal requirement that obliges those in my professional to abide by the guidelines of our professional body. Confidentiality is one of the legal requirements that we abide to; for me it re-enforces another quality that I was taught by my parents, RESPECT! It has therefore defied logic for me when people talk gossip behind other people’s back – what I call tittle–tattle or those who disrespect others for the fun of it. As far as I am concerned, tittle tattlers and disrespectful people play a dangerous game. In my profession it can get one struck off the register. In general life, if the subject of gossip or disrespect finds out, there is usually retaliation. If the person retaliating has my temperament, she will kick the hell out of the tittle-tattlers, or the culprits will pay a heavy price for their stupidity! I have an irrational behaviour when it comes to dealing with people who abuse others for the fun of it. Given the fact that one does not get paid for gossiping, I never see its relevance. Personally, it is a risk that I will never take, I prefer a face to face dialogue to clarify issues that pertain to me, and what does not involve me, I leave well alone.

I have learnt so much in life from others, more so in the past 22 years. For instance, in line of my job I am able to share empathy with a grieving person and in so doing find the whole process therapeutic for both of us; i.e. in sharing the pain and the sadness one feels during grief. On the other hand, there could be a situation where I personally feel very awkward. For instance, my parents taught me unconditional love and respect. There is a parent somewhere who has or is abusing his/her own children. There is no doubt that children from such a background lose out on the two fundamental lessons that have shaped up my life. How do I share my wonderful loving and respectful background with someone whose life is shaped by such trauma and lack of love and respect from those who are obliged to give it? This is where I struggle with my irrational behaviour and just as well our profession is made up of multi-disciplines.

We never had birthday presents when we were growing up and I never knew that I needed a present for my birthday until I was 15/16 years of age. I must admit that I never personally got any present for my birthday until I started working at the age of 22. Even then, it was a box of chocolate from an admirer; and although it had a birthday card with it, it was really not for my birthday than a message from this young man telling me that he fancied me. I have had wonderful and expensive presents since then, but there is one that I treasure most; a little fridge magnet with two chubby children sharing these words “Mothers are angels in training.” My son gave me that magnet on my 40th birthday in October 1999. If there is one thing I endeavoured to do in bringing up my son, it is that I taught him what my mother taught me. Having struggled alone in my grief after the death of my mother in 1981, my son would not have given me a better 40th birthday present than that magnet. Part of me woke up to the realisation that although I was grieving for my mother, a time had to come for me to realise that I was also a mother to a son who loved me the way I loved my mother.

Would my son have given me such a beautiful present had I been an abusive mother to him? Would I also have treasured the magnet had it not been for the unconditional love my mother gave me? This little birthday present inspired my heart, diverted my attention from self pity to determination. I woke up from a broken soul to a fighting soul. Having read many books and networked with spiritual people in my attempt to understand life and death, 1999 was the year that my view of life changed completely. From that date until 2001, no present meant anything to me and from 2001 until today; no one buys me a birthday present apart from my son. He manages to get away with it because he plays on this mother son relationship.

I share this kind of story with other mothers who have similar experiences, just as I share empathy with those who are grieving for their loved ones. What emotion therefore does someone like me have when faced with someone whose upbringing is the opposite of mine? For me personally, I have found myself unable to contain my anger, and this is the reality that brings me to write about unconditional love. I sometimes spend weeks and months fuming if I hear a story of abused children, or vulnerable people. Somehow I have this inability to cope with an emotion that is not based on unconditional love, so whether it is a friend who is going through a traumatic period, a story of abuse, victims of miscarriages of justice and related experiences, my reaction to that is irrational.

What my job plus my lived experience as an adult have taught me however is that; we all have the good and the bad in us, I call them god and the devil, or even a Dr Jekyll and a Mrs Hyde. I am inclined to believe that I give unconditional love in what ever I do and that I dedicate my life to a good cause of my choice. But I also know that I am capable of murdering a person who deliberately harms another person. This is what makes my job so enjoyable, because I am in a position of giving those who need my unconditional love under strict confidentiality. At the same time, I am also in a position to lose my pretend thick skin that as professionals we are supposed to have, and I will sob my eyes out in empathy with anyone going through a traumatic period. This is not an act that one can practice; therefore, for me it just comes natural. When one empathises with another person, one feels what the other person is feeling. This somehow seems to compliment my unconditional love that I give to those who need it. Only one other person used to do that with me, and that was only my mother. I suspect that unless proved otherwise, this kind of emotion is as close to a godly act as one can ever get.

This therefore leaves the other emotion, the evil driven, Mrs Hyde, the irrational behaviour. Apart from a handful of people, namely Jesus Christ, mother Teresa and some saints, I believe the majority of people do have Mrs Hyde however godly they live their lives. From personal experience, some people are Mrs Hyde all the time, have irrational behaviour all the time, stealing, cheating, lying, wheeling and dealing in one form of trick or another, anything to satisfy the evil cravings of Mrs Hyde. In my experience, I have come across people whose childhood is marred with one traumatic event after another, but have grown up to be adults who live a godly life, i.e. helping others. Imagine a child who loses both parents and has to be brought up as an orphan with no guidance for example. Or, even someone whose own parents abused him/her as a child. These are the sort of people I have the greatest admiration and respect for; people who have no role models to go by apart from a desire to live a godly life. Opposite this group of people are those whose parents brought them up as best as they could, gave them unconditional love and taught them to respect and yet as adults they choose to be Mrs Hyde all the time, whose behaviour is irrational all the time.

Now, here lies the difference between my irrational behaviour and the irrational behaviour of this later group. People have said some of the most stupid statements to me and about me; “Florence never gets angry.” “The party is not complete without Flojo.” “You never seem to have any problems in your life.” Etc. Sometimes I take these statements as compliments, other times I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, because people with this kind of mentality somehow find themselves victims of circumstances as in “why can’t I be happy like Florence, or even stupidly they question; “Why is Florence always happy?” It never crosses their mind that Florence might not be happy, but does not know how to look unhappy. My mother’s unconditional love taught me to love myself, and because she loved me, I loved her back. There was no reason for me to practice how to look unhappy. My son just loves me exactly the same way I loved my mother and I love my son exactly the same way my mother loved me, but the role has reversed leaving a void in my life of someone who is not dependent on me, but loves me unconditionally. This is the void that makes people like me fail to come to terms with the loss of someone whose unconditional love is reflected from us.

Until my son gave me the magnet, I was in limbo, wondering what to do with my life. I admired my friends who seemed happy in their lives/marriages. Most of them called on me when things went wrong in their lives. Although my life was miserable if not hell, my head could not come up with any solution. I had dealt with enough Mr/Mrs Hydes to know that the grass is never greener yonder. Only my son knew how unhappy I was. It would have been my mother who would have listened to my endless mourns had she been alive for the simple reason that she would have given me the best advice, one that I would not have questioned, because like me she had unconditional love. Lo be it, it turned out to be my son who said this to me; “Mother, I am 18 years old now and will soon be going to university. I am not a child and I can tell that you are not living, but existing in this marriage and if you are doing it for me, you will be the loneliest person on earth.” That was in April 2003, and my son made my mind up for me.

I have lived all my life as best as my mother taught me and there is nothing I regret. She never hung her dirty linen in public. She never criticised anyone unnecessarily. She was always there for our community, she lived her life for her children; all she had was her younger brother who loved her unconditionally. My son fulfilled that role for me. For the first time, my head is clear enough for me to make a rational decision about my own life.

There are many others with similar if not worse experiences in life, i.e. breaking your back trying to help others because you have unconditional love, only for those people you are helping to turn round and abuse you. Is it any wonder therefore that when pushed too far by those who know nothing but irrational behaviour, people like me become ten times worse than the ordinary Mrs Hyde? Unconditional love makes us love ourselves and love others; hence I help anyone who needs my help whoever they are. ‘Monkey mind ‘is a Buddhist term meaning ‘unsettled, confused, uncontrollable.’ None of those words ever apply to me in my day to day life. But that is exactly what I become when I am Mrs Hyde. My mother was the only one able to control me when ever I got into that state of mind. How about saying “thank you to my wonderful mother” for not being there physically in the past seven years, i.e. July 2003-July 2010? It was not fun for me, because I had never dealt with such irrational people in my life until July 2003. People who feed their Mrs Hyde emotion that is driven by pure evil. I am sure there are a few people who when they read this will understand what I am talking about and should thank me because I have taught them a lesson of a lifetime. One simple lesson where only evil can teach evil; I hope they are now better people from their experience of dealing with a different Mrs Hyde; a Mrs Hyde who knows nothing but unconditional love, but when she sees injustice, the monkey mind takes over resulting in confusion all round. All of us are capable of giving unconditional love and there is no need for anyone to have irrational behaviour that harms other people unless they are willing to have the same done to them.


UNCONDITIONAL LOVE = LASTING LOVE